


The Hourglass

by goobs_socks



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Dark, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:50:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29989335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goobs_socks/pseuds/goobs_socks
Summary: "I had no time to hate, becauseThe grave would hinder me,And life was not so ample ICould finish enmity.Nor had I time to love; but sinceSome industry must be,The little toil of love, I thought,Was large enough for me."- Emily DickinsonThis story focuses on y/n's internal battle with herself and her struggles to overcome it.
Relationships: Spencer Reid & Reader, Spencer Reid/Original Character(s), Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s), Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Kudos: 9





	1. Until Next Time

A hollow smile formed across your face. You looked down into your drink absentmindedly as you swirled it. The ice cubes clinked against the glass, around and around, soon to melt into their other self. 

Today was exhausting. Not physically in the way it usually is while you’re on a case, but mentally. Stacks and stacks of files - consults, potential new cases, paperwork you still needed to turn in to Hotch from recent cases - forming their own islands on the sea of your desk. You had tried to ignore them for a few days, learning to work on top or beside the piles, but they kept piling up. You even tried sneaking some over onto Reid’s desk while he was off somewhere, but of course he noticed and immediately gave them back. 

When you told Penelope you’d help her sort through new cases, you didn’t quite realize what you were getting yourself into. But if your mother instilled nothing into you as a kid, it was that once you made a commitment, you have to follow through with it. The only way out was to be dead or dying, and well, you are neither of those things. 

Nope, you’re just a person sitting here in this too loud bar with too dim lighting and three of your coworkers. Another commitment you didn’t want to make, but one that had to be made anyways. The chance for a girl’s night doesn’t come around all the time, and you were trying your best to enjoy it - you really were. 

“I give up, blind dates are the worst! I think I’ll just get a cat and live the rest of my days as a lonely spinster,” Emily complained. 

“Oh yeah, I totally know what you mean,” you scoffed, adding little to the conversation. You didn’t know what she meant. You’ve never been on a blind date before, but you can imagine they wouldn’t be fun.

“Ladies, now is not the time for moping around! Now’s the time for dancing,” Penelope shouted as she stood up from the table in a huff. 

Emily and JJ stood to follow, and the three of them each gave their own questioning look when you didn’t join them. “I’ll hold down the fort. You guys go, go,” you waved your hand towards the dancefloor. They turned without another word and weaved through the crowd until you couldn’t see them anymore. 

As you sat there sipping your drink, you couldn’t help but feel a little envious of the people dancing. They all looked so happy and free moving to the music. Maybe the trick was to get so drunk that nothing mattered except for the sound coming through the speakers. Regardless, that door closed for the night after they left you here at the table. You knew the second they’d get back it’d be time to leave, probably from the orders of JJ. She did have a family to get home to, after all. 

Your jealousy soon wore thin and was replaced with boredom, so you took out your phone and started scrolling aimlessly through your notes app. You chuckled to yourself, thinking if anyone ever saw what you had in here, they’d think you were insane. Hell, looking at it now, you worried a bit for yourself. It’s different living inside your brain every day and then seeing the thoughts written down in front of you.

After you became bored with that too, you thought about texting one of your old high school friends, but it was way too late and you guarantee she wouldn’t see it till morning. There was one person, however, that you knew would be awake right now and would text you back.

You opened up your messages. The last time you had texted was last week about some case stuff. You typed “hiiiiii:)” on the keyboard and your thumb hovered over the blue arrow for a few seconds while you read the text. Looking at it now, maybe you were drunker than you thought. You quickly deleted the smiley face and 3 of the i’s, settling on a simple “hiii” as your intro. The perfect amount of “it’s 1 in the morning” but still respectable enough for a coworker you rarely talk to outside of work.

Right after hitting send, you locked your phone and threw it across the booth. It landed with a little bounce that almost sent it tumbling down to the floor. You wanted to see his response, but at the same time, you hoped he would never read it. The regret began to wash over you as you watched people dancing in the crowd. Your leg bounced anxiously as you took the last swig of your drink. 

Just then, you heard your phone buzz against the fake leather cushion. You leapt out for it, but barely managed to stay in your seat in the process. 

Spencer Reid: Hello.

He responded in his typical fashion. If it was anyone else, you’d be slightly offended by the simple hello and period at the end. But it was Reid, so you weren’t. Your thumbs drunkenly flew across the keyboard within seconds of each of his replies. 

You: what’s up??

Reid: Reading. Is there a case?

You: nooo, i’m out with the girls!!!

Reid: Oh, I see. Are you having fun?

You: meh. would be more fun if you were here:/

Shit, shit, shit. You went too far. It was too late though, you had already pressed send. You felt the pit in your stomach grow deeper and darker with every second spent without a reply. Finally, you saw the three little dots appear on the screen. 

But just as soon as they appeared, they disappeared again. You locked your phone and put it face down on the table, hoping that if you couldn’t see the screen, you wouldn’t be as embarrassed. 

You groaned and put your face in your hands. You truly just want to go home. The music is starting to become too loud, the room too dark, and the alcohol too intoxicating. You feel your restlessness rise as you tap your fingers on the sticky table.

Tap… tap tap… tap… tap tap.

The repetitive motions relieved some of the tension, but not as much as hearing your phone vibrate against the wood. Your spirits lifted as you turned it over and looked at the screen.

Tinder: Bored? True love is only one swipe away…

You angrily flipped it back over. You don’t even know why you still have Tinder downloaded on your phone, it’s not like you ever meet anyone from it. You normally used it for a little ego boost when you were feeling really bad. It was a distraction from the nothingness your life seemed to revolve around.

“Hey, y/n, you ready to go?” Emily asked. Penelope’s arm was slung over JJ’s shoulder as they giggled about something behind Emily.

Your phone had distracted you so you didn’t even see when they stumbled back to the table. “Course, hold on a sec,” you grabbed everyone’s purses and your phone and followed them outside. 

The music dulled behind the closed doors of the bar and the warm rush of air hitting your face allowed you to breathe again. Everything was alright, you were about to go home where you could finally decompress. 

“Goodnight, I love you both,” Penelope slurred.

You all said your goodbyes, Emily and Penelope heading to the metro, while JJ and you remained standing outside of the bar.

“Uber… uber… uber…” JJ whispered to herself as she furiously tapped away at her phone screen. 

You plopped down on the curb, too tired to stand any longer. She joined you on the ground soon after. While you sat in silence, you stared down at the old dirty sneakers on your feet. At this point, they seemed like more of an attachment of yourself rather than a piece of clothing. You had bought them to celebrate getting your dream job at the BAU, and they had been with you everywhere since. 

You hadn’t even bothered changing out of your work clothes before coming tonight. Seemed like too much of a trouble, and it’s not like you were trying to impress anyone. The girls were only slightly disappointed in your lack of effort, to which you made some excuse about staying at the BAU too late to go home beforehand. 

“Hey JJ?” you asked. She hummed in response. “Thanks for always inviting me out to things,” you slurred shyly.

“Always. You’re a part of the family now whether you like it or not,” she leaned in and nudged you with her shoulder, causing a smile to form across your entire face.

She was right. They had accepted you into their family with little hesitation, yet something stopped you from feeling like you really belonged there. It had only been a couple months, though, so you hoped that feeling would fade with time. 

***

Your head was throbbing from dehydration. You slowly opened your eyes and allowed them to adjust to the already way too bright sunlight filtering in through the curtains. 

Your hand instinctively reached out for your phone sitting on the nightstand. Your heart nervously leapt at the notifications on the large little screen. 

Spencer Reid: Next time, then :)

And 15 minutes later, he had sent another one:

Get home safe. I’ll see you tomorrow.

A genuine smile stretched across your face, but was smacked off when you saw the time. 7:28am. You had to be at the BAU in 30 minutes and it took you 20 to drive there. Your headache begged you not to, but you shot out of bed, bouncing around your room and bathroom to get ready. Soon you were out the door and on your way. 

You burst through the glass doors of the BAU with 5 minutes to spare. You don’t even bother going to your desk to drop off your things, instead moving somewhere between a speed walk and a full on sprint towards the break room. You splashed coffee into a mug and left - there’s no time for cream or sugar this morning. 

You watched the precariously full mug as you weaved between the desks to the round table room, trying your best not to spill anything on the way. That turned out to be a mistake as you crashed into Spencer, dumping the hot coffee down your front. The mug slipped out of your hand and clattered to the floor, breaking into a million tiny ceramic pieces. 

“Shit, sorry Reid, I’m such an idiot,” you apologized as you crouched down to pick up the pieces.

“No, I-I didn’t see you, I’m sorry,” he helped you gather what was left and discard it into his trash can. 

In the process of cleaning up the mess you so embarrassingly made, you sliced your finger. “Ow,” you yelped, seeing a small drop of blood form on your finger. You fell back and sat on the ground, your legs bent in front of you. “Today seems to be my day, huh,” you chuckled. 

Reid gave you an apologetic smile and stood up. He grabbed the cardigan draped on the back of his desk chair and held it out to you. “Here,” he offered.

You pushed yourself off of the ground and took it, thanking him and quickly covering up your see-through light blue shirt. As embarrassed as you were, this was pretty standard for you. You always seemed to be bumping into things and hurting yourself in the stupidest ways. 

You sucked it up, grabbed a couple tissues from the box on his desk to wrap around your finger until you could get a bandaid, and followed him up to the briefing. “Sorry, Hotch,” you mumbled as you both walked in, the last two to arrive. 

JJ questioningly flicked her eyes between Reid’s cardigan and your face. You gave her an awkward smile and mouthed “tell you later.” She nodded as Penelope began explaining the case.


	2. Damsel in Distress

“So, what happened there?” JJ asked as she gestured towards Reid’s cardigan you were wearing. 

You plopped down on the seat across from her on the jet and groaned, “me being as clumsy as usual. I ran into Reid and spilled coffee all over myself, of course.” You looked down at your clothes, the coffee stained shirt peeking out from under the cardigan at the edges. There wasn’t any time to change before boarding, so you were stuck in the uncomfortably sticky and moist clothes for the time being. At least you smelled like coffee; you loved the smell of coffee. 

“How are you feeling, though? You guys went pretty hard last night,” you asked, switching the conversation away from yourself. 

“Not too bad,” she chuckled, adjusting her position in the seat. “Got most of it out of my system in my front yard. Will made me promise not to drink that much again.”

“Good luck with that,” you joked. JJ playfully rolled her eyes and put in her earbuds, ending the conversation. 

You propped your head on your palm with your elbow pressed into the armrest. Looking out of the window, you watched the gray tarmac speed past and slowly get smaller and smaller until you couldn’t see it anymore. 

This was always your favorite part of plane rides - the takeoff and landing. It made everything seem so tiny and inconsequential, but still close enough that you could make out some details. Maybe it’s just some twisted metaphor for how you see your life; watching yourself make decisions and live from afar, but having to deal with the consequences anyways. 

No matter how high up you are or how far away from home you are, you always bring your thoughts with you. And, with your thoughts come all of your problems. 

“Hey, y/n, you should probably put a bandaid on your cut,” Reid startled you, ripping you from the clouds outside the window and back into the cabin. He gently sat in the chair next to you. JJ glanced over, but seeing as it was just Reid, she closed her eyes and attempted to nap.

“Yeah, uh, I would, but I don’t have one,” you replied. You looked down at your finger. The bleeding stopped a long time ago, but some of it dried around the edges of the wound, turning it a deep reddish brown color. 

Reid held out a bandaid and a small tube of antibiotic ointment. “For the damsel in distress,” he said.

You furrowed your brows and looked up at him. Your mouth opened, but before you could speak, he interjected.

“N-not that you’re a damsel, or in distress, or that you need to be saved, least of all by me, but…” he stuttered.

Your expression softened into a smile. You definitely didn’t need his help - or anyone else’s for that matter, but you accepted it anyways. “Thanks, Reid. I appreciate it.” He relaxed into the seat and pulled out a book. Guess he’s sitting here, now. You applied the ointment and bandage and placed the wrapper and tube on the table. 

***

“I just don’t understand what we’re missing. The unsub has abducted these women from here, here, and here,” Reid pointed to marks on the map hung on the conference room bulletin board. “Yet he’s driven hundreds of miles total in opposite directions across state lines to dump the bodies. Why?” He stood with his back to you, intently staring at the map, trying to connect all of the dots. 

“I don’t know, Reid. I really don’t know,” you sighed and leaned back in your chair. You two had been working on the geographical profile the entire day, but nothing had come of it yet. You felt like you were just going around in circles. More than that, you felt like you were letting the rest of the team down. You were still the newest one, and you needed to prove that you were supposed to be here.

He turned around to face you, shoving his hands in his pockets. His eyes stayed glued to you, sweeping across your face and analyzing every crease, every freckle. You wondered what he saw and if he liked it, because god knows when you looked at yourself, you didn’t. Subconsciously, your mind forced you to hide, burying your face in your arms resting on the table. 

“Maybe we should take a break,” Reid softly suggested. You groaned in response, keeping your face hidden. You opened your eyes and looked down under the table at your feet. Your dirty gray sneakers. Now with oddly shaped brown splotches all over them. You didn’t realize you got any coffee on them this morning, but oh well.

You felt a hand on your back slowly make its way down your arm, finally latching around your wrist and pulling gently. “Come on, let’s go for a walk,” Reid said, his voice so close you were afraid if you moved your head you would smack against his.

You slowly turned your head, resting your cheek on your arm, and sure enough, his face was inches from yours. Reid was notoriously a germaphobe, refusing to briefly shake hands with anyone, let alone touch them under any circumstance. 

“But it’s cold outside,” you protested.

Your excuse didn’t phase him, because he immediately countered, “a drive, then. Let’s go.” He tugged your wrist a little harder, and you stood and followed him out of the room. He dropped your wrist as soon as you entered the main room of the precinct. Despite your protest at it being too cold outside, neither of you bothered to put on your coats as you left. Though you had changed your stained shirt upon arrival, you still wore his cardigan. It was so soft you hoped you would never have to give it back, that he would forget you had it and it would be all yours. 

Reid got into the driver's seat and started driving. Half melted snow covered the grass along the road. Though it was already springtime in Virginia, it wouldn’t be that warm here for weeks.

You always liked the snow, especially if there was enough of it to bury the world. Your favorite thing was going outside at night after a fresh covering - still untouched by people - and listening. It was quiet, peaceful, like you could exist without having to think, like the snow buried not only the grass, trees, pavement, but also your thoughts. 

You hated when the snow started melting, though. The ugly brown ground showing through the pristine white, dirtying it with its image. You hated the in between, the indecisiveness, the gray, not the black and white. 

“Are you okay?” Reid asked.

You glanced over at him. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Typically, people saying they’re “fine” means they are totally not fine. But you really were. You weren’t good, you weren’t bad, you were just “fine.” You hated the gray area, yet that’s where you lived your life. 

“You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, y/n. I know what it’s like to feel like you have to constantly prove yourself, but I promise you don’t,” the soft smile he gave you infuriated you. 

“You don’t know a single goddamn thing about me, Reid,” you snapped. “You’ve known me for what, all of 6 months? All of it strictly at work?” You wished you would stop the words coming from your mouth. He didn’t deserve your misguided anger. Yet again, he was just trying to help, but you needed him to know that you didn’t need it. You were perfectly capable of looking out for yourself. And unlike your actions on the jet, you didn’t accept it this time. “I didn’t ask for your help earlier and I sure as shit didn’t ask for your advice now,” you bit.

The car was silent. His eyes remained on the road ahead. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw his knuckles turn white as he gripped the steering wheel. “S-sorry,” he whispered, defeated.

He made a u-turn at the next stoplight, presumably heading back to the station. By the time you built up the courage to apologize for your outburst, too much time had passed. It had been quiet for too long. When he pulled up to the station, he quickly got out of the car, leaving you behind and walking inside. You sort of wished he would’ve slammed the car door, yelled back, reacted in some way other than the barely audible apology. That would’ve made you feel less guilty.


	3. Locked Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, the awkward/cringey part in this chapter is 100% intentional and necessary

“No, I’m sure, you go. I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” you said. JJ was going to Emily and Morgan’s room to watch a movie, and she asked you to join. She was the person on the team you were closest to, but part of you wondered if she was just taking pity on you. If her motherly instincts kicked in and made her take care of you, as if you were a lost puppy or a child without a parent. 

She gave you a small smile and slipped out of the door. You were happy to spend the night alone, and preferred it, actually. Someone on the outside might say you were lonely, but you weren’t. You were just alone, and there’s a big difference. 

It was only 9pm, but you thought maybe an early night of sleep would help. You and Reid still hadn’t nailed the geographical profile, and the unsub hadn’t killed anyone since you arrived so you didn’t have any new information to go on. Reid also barely glanced in your direction the rest of the day, let alone talked to you, complicating the process even more. 

Reaching up, you turned off the lamp on the nightstand and sunk deeper under the sheets. You grabbed your phone and unlocked it, instinctively opening up the messages app like you do basically every time you look at your phone. Right as you were about to go back to the home screen, you saw your most recent message.

‘Get home safe. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Guilt flooded your body. He did see you tomorrow, but you spent most of it not speaking because of your anger. Your misdirected, terribly cruel and unfair anger. 

You pulled back the covers and swung your legs over the edge of the bed. No, you shouldn’t. Seeing him tonight versus tomorrow morning makes no real difference, so you got back under the covers and comfortable again. But, there never will be a good time to apologize, so if you do it tonight and he doesn’t accept - which is highly unlikely, but still possible - you can come back to the empty room and wallow for the night. 

Hesitating, you sit on the edge of the bed for the second time and slowly stand and make your way towards the door. You hear the sound of it clicking shut as your feet scuff against the brightly patterned carpet of the hallway. 

Room 102. 

You stop and face his door. Shit. You turn and walk down the hallway towards the way you came. What are you even gonna say to him? Sorry I’m such an asshole? Sorry I had a bad day? 

Week? 

Year? 

Fucking Life and I took it out on you? 

Okay, no you obviously aren’t going to say that. You reach the end of the hall and are forced to turn around back towards his room. The steps you take are slow, trying to delay the inevitable. This time when you stop, your hand finally forms a fist and knocks on the door. 

“Uh, hi y/n,” Reid said, holding the door open slightly.

“Is Morgan here? Can I come in?” you asked.

“Yeah, sure. He’s rooming with Emily so uh-” 

You squeezed past him into the room and sat on top of the tousled bed covers. There’s an opened book flipped over on the nightstand - you’d feel bad for interrupting, but he’s always reading and you won’t be here for long. 

“-he’s not here,” he finally finished speaking, even though you were already inside. He stood in front of you and shoved his hands in the pockets of his halloween pajama pants, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

“Listen, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I was out of line earlier and I shouldn’t have yelled,” you muttered, keeping your eyes focused on your hands fidgeting in your lap. 

“It’s okay,” he assured, taking a seat next to you on the bed. Silence filled the room, neither of you knowing what to say next. “Do you want to watch a movie? There’s probably something on TV right now.”

You hesitated, though you weren’t sure why. The hard part was over, and though he had forgiven you, you couldn’t forgive yourself so easily. Guilt always has a way of hanging around. “Uh, yeah sure,” you scooted up the bed so your back was leaning against the headboard. Right as you reached out to the opposite nightstand to grab the remote, Reid sat down, crushing your arm under his lanky body. 

Well, this was going just about as well as you had imagined. 

He jumped up, “I-I’m sorry, sorry, are you alright?” He ran his hand through his hair likely in an attempt to calm his nerves. You can’t seem to do much around him lately without embarrassing yourself.

“Yeah,” you patted the bed next to you. “Grab the remote?”

Much slower than before, he sank down onto the mattress, careful to avoid you. He turned on the TV and started flicking through the channels. Passing by one you recognized, you shouted at him, “stop, wait, go back! Twilight is on!”

He flipped back to the channel, asking “what’s Twilight?”

You scoffed and proceeded to explain to him the intricacies of the plot and the Edward-Bella-Jacob love triangle. He listened intently, asking you questions in between your long-winded tangents. At this point, the movie was just background noise as neither of you were actually paying attention to it. You weren’t even facing the TV anymore - you were both sitting criss-crossed facing each other. Gradually, the conversation morphed into both of your favorite movies, other movie adaptations of books, your favorite books, and books in general. 

“I know you’d disagree, but ever since starting here, I just haven’t had the time or energy to read, you know? Like, the last book I read was The Bell Jar. Part of me is sad that it took me so long to finally read it, especially because it was such a good book.” You paused to gauge his reaction and wait for a response, to which he just nodded knowingly. You continued, “I don’t really know what that says about me, but honestly…” you trailed off. 

You knew exactly what you wanted to say next, but you didn’t want to ruin the night. You were having so much fun talking to him and wished it would never end. The words flowed out of both of you, filling the small space in between and floating around the room among the changing lights of the TV screen. 

It was no secret that unloading your issues onto someone else, especially a coworker, wasn’t a good idea. Though after tonight, you’d consider Reid to be your friend, and you hoped he would too. 

However, you decided that now wasn’t the time. Maybe there never would be one. The only people who knew - though you didn’t tell them and have never talked about it since - were your parents and brother. That was a secret you kept from everyone, and you had no problem keeping it from him, too. 

So, instead you just said, “I would hate for people to remember me for the worst thing I did, rather than the things I accomplished or the person I am.” He gave you a sympathetic look, his eyes boring into you. That made you increasingly aware of just how transparent your statement was, so you quickly explained, “for example, I barely passed my gun qualification at the academy, but look at where I am now.” You gestured around the subpar hotel room with a chuckle.

“Oh trust me, I know all about that. You should see the list of exceptions they had to make to let me out into the field when I first started,” he laughed. He didn’t seem to pick up on your deflection, or if he did, he didn’t let on. 

Glancing over at the clock on the nightstand, you saw it was 2:37am. It felt like you had only been here for 30 minutes max, and you had no idea how it got so late. Regardless, you both still had to meet everyone down in the lobby at 8am, so it was way past the time you wanted to go to sleep. “Oh, shit, sorry it’s so late, I should probably head back to my room,” you hopped off the bed and walked to the door, Reid on your heels. You turned around as you stepped into the hallway, saying “goodnight,” with a smile.

“Goodnight, y/n. See you tomorrow.”

That went a lot better than you were anticipating. You had never really talked to him about non-case stuff before, but you now realized how much you two had in common. JJ was still the one you had instantly connected with on the team, but now you could add Reid to that list too. It’s not that you wouldn’t get along with Emily, Morgan, or Penelope, but two friends at work was enough for now. 

You got back to your door and felt around in the pockets of your sweatpants for the room key. Shit. You forgot the room key and your phone. You knocked on the door, hoping JJ was inside and awake, or would at least hear the knocks. After waiting and knocking a few more times to no avail, you stood and thought. Emily and Morgan’s room is somewhere on this floor, but you didn’t know which one, and it’s not like you could go knocking on every door until you found it. 

You only knew where one other person was staying, so that’s where you went. You knocked three times, and the man who you just spent hours with opened the door back up. Surprised to see you again, you shyly asked him, “I uh- I locked myself out of my room and JJ isn’t answering… so can I crash in your room until tomorrow morning? I can sleep on the floor.”   
He gave you a tight lipped smile and opened the door wider for you to walk in. You grabbed a pillow off of the bed and tossed it down onto the ground. 

“No, please sleep in the bed,” he offered, following you into the room.

“I can’t take-” you started.

“Seriously. I was gonna stay up and read some more, anyways. I can sit in the chair.” He picked up his book and sat in the black desk chair. 

“Thank you,” you smiled hesitantly and bent down to pick up the pillow. You could feel Reid watch as you climbed into bed and got situated under the covers. You laid on your side facing him. “Goodnight again,” you whispered.

“Goodnight,” he whispered in response, looking back down at his book.

You closed your eyes and tried to let the sounds of flipping pages lull you to sleep. Despite the time and how utterly exhausted you were, your mind wouldn’t turn off. It’s like your brain waited until this exact moment to recall your entire life in chronological order. Trying to focus on the sound of your breathing and Reid turning the pages of his book, you realized you hadn’t heard him in a while. 

You opened your eyes and looked at him. However, instead of seeing him reading, your eyes met. Before you had a chance to respond, he looked down into his book and the turning of pages resumed. You closed your eyes once more and couldn’t help the smile that formed on your face as you finally relaxed enough to fall asleep. 

You woke up the next morning to the sound of Reid tearing apart his entire suitcase. Rolling over and sitting up, you rubbed the sleep from your eyes and yawned.

“Oh, good morning, sorry I didn’t mean to wake you, it’s still early” he apologized. 

“Nah, you’re fine,” you looked at the clock. 6:13am. 47 minutes earlier than you would have woken up on a good day. You watched as he continued to tear through all of his clothes searching for something. He was already dressed for the day and had showered, his damp hair falling in his face and making the search harder. Finally, he excitedly yanked a sock out of the pile and put it on his bare foot. The two socks he had on didn’t match, and you made a mental note to ask why he did that sometime. “I bet JJ’s awake now,” you said, standing and shuffling to the door.

“I’ll see you in a bit,” Reid called from the other side of the room.

“Yeah, see ya. And thanks again, by the way,” you said with a smile. You closed his door and walked back to your room.


	4. A Dumb Question

“Mind if I sit here?” you asked Spencer, standing in front of him sitting on the jet couch. It had been a few days since the night you spent in his room, and JJ still hadn’t let up on teasing you about it. She meant well, but boy was it getting old now. You wanted to fight her after every teasing look or snide remark, but you’re pretty sure she’d kick your ass if you tried. 

The unsub had learned of the FBI’s arrival in town, and had promptly abducted and killed another woman the first night you were here. By taunting you, he rushed and made a mistake, allowing for his eventual takedown. While Reid and you were finishing up the geographic profile, he had a spark of genius (as opposed to his normal genius-ness) and figured out his pattern. We called Garcia and she was able to find the unsub’s name, home and work address, and just about anything else you could want to know about that man. Hotch, Morgan, and Emily made the arrest.

“Yes,” he looked up at you from his book and down at the seat next to him. You looked at him puzzled. “I-I mean, no, uh- sit, please,” he stuttered. Instead of sitting right next to him, you sat on the opposite end of the couch and put your feet on the seat between the two of you. 

“I know it doesn’t mean anything coming from me, but good job with the case today. I don’t know if I ever would’ve figured that out. Definitely not that fast,” you chuckled. You hoped he could hear the sincerity in your voice and see it on your face. 

“Y/n, I value your opinion just as much as the others,” he looked back down at the page. “Maybe even more so,” he whispered so softly you barely heard him over the sound of the jet engines.

You smiled at him then looked down at your phone to choose music for the flight home. Scrolling through your playlists, you chose your most relaxing one in the hopes of actually being able to take a nap. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back against the wall of the jet. 

A few minutes later as the jet reached cruising altitude, you felt Spencer wrap his hands around your ankles. You opened your eyes and watched as he lifted your legs and slid under them, laying them across his lap. The faintest smile formed across his lips as he rested his book in the valley between your legs and began reading again. You tilted your head back and drifted to sleep, welcoming the comfort Reid provided by his proximity.

“Y/n” a voice filtered in through the music playing in your earbuds. At first you weren’t sure if your half asleep mind was just making things up, so you kept your eyes closed. It wasn’t until you felt a finger poke your thigh repeatedly that you opened them. 

“Mhm?” you hummed.

“We landed,” Reid said, placing his open hand on your thigh. 

You looked around the jet, finding it empty except for the two of you. You wondered how long you’ve been on the ground, and why he didn’t wake you earlier. It couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes, right? The rest of the team was gone, but it was so late at night they probably cleared out faster than usual. Your attention turned back to him, watching you intently with a certain gentleness that you blamed on the time. “We should probably go, then,” you suggested, but neither of you moved yet.

“Probably,” he agreed. His hand stayed glued to your leg as you both sat there, playing a game of chicken to see who would move first. You were the first to break eye contact, simultaneously rotating your body and putting your feet on the ground. You grabbed your bag and silently made your way off of the jet and towards the building. 

You’re not sure how you’re supposed to feel right now. Or what you’re actually feeling, for that matter. It has seemed like lately all you feel is nothing interspersed with the occasional guilt. Sure, you’ve laughed and had fun this week at the bar with the girls and in Spencer’s room, but is that all that happiness is? Laughter? It’s such a fleeting feeling, and when you try to think about it, it seems to slip through your fingers like sand. Like you’re stuck in an hourglass and when time is up and the happiness is gone, you’re flipped over and crushed under the weight of your nothingness. Stuck to repeat the cycle until you can somehow break the glass or stop time all together.

You want so desperately to follow the sand to the other side, but something always seems to stop you. Maybe it’s your own sick way of punishing yourself. That after all of your own failed non-relationships and family trauma and mistakes you’ve made, you don’t believe you deserve it. Happiness is reserved for decent people, and you aren’t one. Your shame and disbelief in your own greatness outweighs the need to be happy. 

The worst part is how painfully aware you are of all of this. You know you have unresolved issues and always have since you were a teenager. You had hoped they would’ve gone away once you went to college and started your own life and career, and for the most part they had. But now they were slowly starting to seep back into your life. You were finally settled into this job at the BAU and had found your favorite coffee shops and restaurants near your apartment. Without that added stress to your day, you relaxed. Distractions are only distracting for so long, and your mind needs something to think about. Much to your detriment, it sought the previous comfort of your destructive thoughts. 

Reid probably knew the answers to your questions, even without taking into account his IQ. JJ has told you a bit about some of the things he’s been through since she’s known him, but only through metaphors and little hints here and there. You had to put the pieces together, but even then you weren’t sure if you were just projecting your own experiences onto him. Still, you bet he knew what happiness was. He was walking right next to you, and all you had to do was ask him.

Just ask him.

Open your mouth.

Ask.

“Hotch said we could go home for the night,” Spencer said as you walked into the building, chopping off your building courage at the knees. 

The moment was gone, and there were people around now. You couldn’t ask him anymore, so you settled for “oh, okay cool.” 

It was a dumb question, anyways.


End file.
